


When There Is Nobody There To Catch You When You Keep Falling

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - No Sgrub Session, Anorexia, Anxiety, Depression, F/M, self hate, trigger warning: self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-22
Updated: 2013-04-29
Packaged: 2017-11-22 00:20:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/603708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat Vantas seems like your normal fifteen-year-old boy, cranky, but really ntohing seemed wrong.<br/>If only that was true.<br/>He has kept it a secret for a long time, until his good friend, Terezi Pyrope suspects something.<br/>If only he could realize that people actually care.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When Something Happens, You Try To Hide It

**Author's Note:**

> Self Harm, Self Hate, Anxiety, Depression and Anorexia-related themes bother you, please don't read this. 
> 
> Please leave feedback, I don't post much and I want to improve.  
> Update soon.
> 
> This is written as a cheer-up present for Jess, xo.

Karkat Vantas? Everyone could say he was somewhat happy, nothing much wrong with him, he did well in school, he had friends, he was the average fifteen-year-old. 

If only that was actually true.  
He would try and put on a smile.  
Act like nothing bothered him, behave like he used to, crabby, sometimes friendly, serious, however. And nobody suspected a thing.  
He has a few close friends, Rose, Terezi and John, though many people didn't like him for his short temper and attitude, not like he cared or anything, in his opinion, people were stupid.  
Though, he has a deep secret.  
Something that nobody could know.  
He didn't want help, he didn't think he deserved help either, just let himself deal with it.  
He can mask his emotions well, nobody could tell a thing, not his father, or brother, Kankri. 

As the day progressed, he had kept the same, plain facial expression, though inside he was shifting between upset, frustrated, anxious and depressed. It was a bad day for him, being pushed around, teased, being made fun of, though that was always just a 'harmless joke'. He couldn't wait until he got home, he was going to be home alone, just how he liked it. He was used to being alone though.  
As he finished his final class he hurried to collect his items and rush to the door, only to be greeted by his good friend, Terezi Pyrope.  
'Hehe Karkat, I have two questions which even you can answer, got much homework this afternoon and are you busy?' she said very happily, with a giggle present in her voice.  
'For your information Pyrope I am a very busy person and I'm very busy this afternoon,' He mumbled. An obvious lie.  
'Iiiiis that right then? What are you doing???' She asked curiously, with a smirk on her face.  
'F-fine I'm free, why, you want to come over and study like some dipshit or something?' He said sarcastically.  
'Ha. Ha. Very funny, no, I just wanted to visit, maybe sleep over, because it has been a while...' Her voice trails off.  
'Uh, yeah, sure, be there at 6:30, I'll order pizza or something, if you're late I don't care just be there because I'll be pissed off if you don't come because I have a whole heap of plans and and and uh yeah. You can sleep overt too if you want.' He said with a fake grin. Dammit, his plans, gone, and was he that stupid to offer pizza? What if he shuts down when she is over?  
Terezi skipped away to her bus home.  
Karkat decided to take a walk home, like he normally does, he passed some girls on the way, one known as the 'Huge 8itch', he didn't know her actual name though, and he got past them in a stealthy way, to not become detected and possibly face name calling and more jokes about him. 

When he arrived home, he decided to run a bubble bath, to calm down before Terezi came over. After getting undressed he walked by the wall mirror. Catching a glimpse at himself he whispered 'You're a good-for nothing fat asshole, how do you even have friends. People don't like you, you're disgusting.' That pressured him to reach into a box with a lock on it and grab a blade. That's how bad he felt. He didn't wish to do too much damage but he needed to somehow let his emotions out. He also knew that this wasn't a good coping strategy either, but he had to do it, the urge was very strong.  
He lowered himself into the warm, steaming bath and let out a soft sigh, that sure felt good.  
After a short soak, with a shaking hand he brought the razor to his upper thigh, groaning when the cold blade makes contact with his warm skin, he then made a cut, not deep enough to scar, not deep enough to bleed too much. He did this six more times, in the same area, then put the blade back. He tried choking back his tears, but he just let go, he felt so useless, worthless, bad. No wonder people hated him, he was a freak.  
He watched the crimson blood swirl next to his recently made scratches. After a short while he got out, and placed a bandage on the affected area, and that stung. He wrapped a towel around his wet body and dried off, returning to his room only to find out that it was 5:30, and Terezi arrived at 6:30, an hour to go. He got dressed, he was calm. 

He occupied himself for half an hour, then he ordered a pizza, some Hawaiian, everyone liked that, well, he hoped. He also ordered it in a small size.  
The pizza arrived fifteen minutes.  
Leaving another fifteen minutes for Terezi to arrive.  
With his homework done, he had nothing to distract himself with.  
He REALLY did not want to have an anxiety attack, so he attempted to calm himself, light a few candles in his room, set a mattress out for Terezi to sleep in.  
Suddenly, a loud knock was at the door, followed by the 'DING DONG' of the doorbell. Karkat swallowed, and opened the door, seeming relaxed.  
'Hey fucker, come in, pizza's out, enjoy yourself, I won't be eating though, I got hungry before and ate, but I'll keep you company,' Well, that was a lie, maybe he'd eat a slice, maybe, just to make Terezi happy.  
'Aww Karkat, pleaseeeeee have some, anyway, what shit are we doing for fun? Got movies for us to watch all night? It is a Friday you know!' She said with an excited giggle, and one of her signature grins.  
'You'll see, and sure, uh, okay.'Karkat replied, awkwardly grinning.

The two sat down at the family-sized wooden table. Karkat reluctantly got himself the smallest slice and slowly ate half of it, feeling very guilty as it had been his first meal of the day, and he did not want Pizza, before offering it to Terezi, who gladly took it. When both of them, the box was only a quarter full, so the decided to save it for later.

Karkat had a TV in his bedroom, where both the mattress and the bed had a clear view of. Terezi sat on the mattress and argued in a silly way with Karkat about what movie they were going to watch. They decided on some romantic comedy. They stayed up watching it until 9:40. After that she finished the pizza, and then watched another rom-com. When they were finished Terezi went to sleep, she wasn't tired but Karkat seemed like he was, though he wasn't, he had insomnia, and could never sleep well. karkat woke up at 2 AM and started to cry, softly so he wouldn't wake Terezi, but Terezi was also awake, talking to a foreign friend on Pesterchum via her phone. Terezi noticed Karkat's almost-silent crying and climbed on to his bed to calm him down, and ask him what was wrong.

'T-TEREZI WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU D-DOING?!' Karkat exclaimed, with his heart racing. Caught red handed. Wow. Good job Karkat.  
'Calm down please. Shhh, it's alright,' She said soothingly, while softly moving her fingers through his hair. 'It will be alright.'  
'N-NO I AM FINE GO AWAY GO TO SLE-EEP!' His voice cracked at 'Sleep' and he started to cry again. Withing three seconds he escaped from Terezi's fingers and hid under the covers. A muffled 'I'M FINE!' could be heard.  
Terezi refused to leave, calling to Karkat in a motherly voice, before pulling away the blankets to find him shaking with fear. She hugged him and calmed him. 'Shhh it'll be alright. She stuck with him until he fell asleep, she fell asleep too.

Terezi at around seven AM, Terezi not remembering the details from last night too clearly, she removed herself, waking Karkat.  
When she confronted him about what had happened he denied it, saying that it was just a dream, but he knew it wasn't. he knew that she knew he wasn't telling the truth. 

Terezi gave Karkat her pillow and snuggled up with him. 'By order of the court I call a feelings jam!' She declared.  
'Terezi-no I am TOTALLY fine now, last night was just... A build up heh nothing to worry about.' He quickly said.  
'Bullshit, you need to let it out.' She said in a serious tone.  
'F-fine,' He said, tears forming in his eyes, he wasn't planning on telling everything, she didn't even care, she was onlt saying that because she's look like an asshole if she didn't. ' There's been pressure and and my anxiety and insomnia is just...' He swallowed and choked back the tears he felt coming, quickly changing the topic. 'Breakfast... What do you want?'  
Terezi frowned, 'Pancakes!' she said with a giggle in her voice.

She began to text a friend, Rose.

GC: ROS3, 1 N33D TO T4LK TO YOU!!  
TT: Huh? Yes Terezi, what's the issue?  
GC: 1TS K4RK4T, H3 S33MS 4 L1TTL3 UPS3T 4ND D1FF3R3NT

Before she got an answer, she was taken from the room, leaving her belongings in there, and prepared for breakfast, which Karkat was preparing.  
'Mmmm smells good!!' She said with a large grin.  
'Thank you, I guess, I haven't even turned the stove on but whatever the fuck you want to think that's cool too.'

The morning flew by and Terezi left, leaving Karkat alone for a few hours. His father and brother, Kankri were on a fishing trip. Karkat felt disgusted with himself too, letting his feelings be so obvious to Terezi, that was a stupid move from his end. He also was really angry at himself about how he ate two pancakes, two. But he couldn't risk his friend, Terezi find out so they can throw him into a mental ward and fix him, stupid, stupid, stupid! She would never help him anyway, why would she?

Terezi decided she needed to do something, before this got bad.  
She was on a phone call with Kankri telling him about what had happened the last night. She has forgotten about Rose.  
'Kankri... Karkat is a little off.' She said with concern in her voice.  
'How so? Is he ill? Is he having issues with his school work, or just school? Please explain.' He said, not quite worrying.  
'He seems depressed, really depressed, anxious and he's not sleeping, I spent the night at his house last night, and when he though I was asleep he cried, a break down, and when I got to him he wouldn't calm down, and the next morning he started to act like nothing had happened.' She said, getting really worried about Karkat's safety.  
'Terezi, I assure you Karkat is fine, I am his brother and I am positive that I would know if something was wrong, I believe he has a lot of pressure put on him from the school work, and his lack of friends, please don't worry, I'll talk to him.'  
'Thank you, thank you, thank you!' She said happily. 'It means a whole heap, sorry for bothering you! Goodbye for now, my friend!'

With that sorted out she felt better, but still worried, she didn't want to bother Karkat, because he had mentioned a nice small nap he was going to take after breakfast.

Karkat ran himself a bath, and cut himself again, but a little, only a little, he deserved it though. Well, he sure felt like he did.  
He lost track of time.  
He was crying quite loudly, but he had put his blade away.  
He was sure his door was locked.

Suddenly, a loud banging could be heard on the door.

'Karkat?' A concerned voice from the other side said.  
Karkat got really scared, he was surprised. 'K-Kankri you're home uh. Hello I'm here. Taking a r-relaxing bath.'  
A sigh of relief could be heard from the other side. 'Okay then, don't be too long, father had bought home lunch.  
Karkat groaned. 'Yeah, sure, fuck off.' He said loudly.  
'LANGUAGE!' Kankri said with a raised voice, before walking away. 

Karkat dried himself and bandaged himself, getting dressed.

A ring came from his phone, it was a Skype conference call between himself, Kankri, Rose and Terezi.

The next few days were going to be long. Very long.


	2. If Only You Could Realize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakrat Vantas still seemed like a normal teenage boy.   
> As if anyone could suspect that something was wrong... Right?  
> Or so he thought.  
> And this can only get worse.  
> Because he won't reach out for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If suicidal thoughts, anxiety, depression, self harm and anorexia-related themes bother you, please don't read.'  
> Cheer up present for Jess xo.

Karkat Vantas, the teenage boy that seemed 'normal'.

Terezi? She suspected that something was wrong with Karkat, and that he wasn't telling her.  
He had already told her how he felt... Part of it, and yet, she felt like something else was wrong.   
Like something was behind that 'I'm Fine'. He would tell her when she asked.

\--  
Karkat Vantas returned from a warm, relaxing bath, how he let out his feelings, in a less-than-ideal way.  
He phone was ringing, a Skype conference call. He read the names 'Terezi Pyrope', 'Kankri Vantas' and 'Rose Lalonde'.  
He sighed loudly and logged off, then turned off his phone, he was NOT going to deal with their shit at that moment, he was calm and he wanted to keep it like that for a short while.

Terezi Pyrope was talking to Kankri and Rose, expressing her concerns about Karkat, though both of them said it was just stress from school. Believable, but she had to get proof, Karkat was her best friend, and she was determined to find out the truth, even though it's probably nothing, she needed to make sure, she was a loyal friend, she was just being concerned, nothing more, she trusted Karkat.

Karkat, while being calm, was also thinking a lot, about how worthless he is, and how nobody cared about him, though he was only lying to himself.  
He decided not to stay in his house, because Kankri was home. He also attempted to go through the front door, but that caught Kankri's attention.   
'Karkat Vantas where do you think you're going?' Kankri said from his bedroom.  
Shit. Caught. 'Ehe, shopping, maybe catch up with a friend or....' He stopped, noticing that he had lost Kankri's focus on him.  
'Okay, enjoy yourself, don't spend too much time out, be home before ten, if not, call me, I will gladly drive you home,' He replied.   
And with that, Karkat exited and began walking to the nearby shopping center. 

During the twenty minutes walk Karkat got a wave of emotions, making him sit on a nearby bench, burying his face in his hands and swallowed.  
He couldn't cry now. Crybaby, stupid, everyone could see him, why would he even think that it was a good idea. A few tears rolled down his cheek before he stood up and continued the other half of his walk.   
He enjoyed walking, it was peaceful, nobody bothered him, and it gave him room to think. 

When he arrived the first thing he did was go to the game store. They had a computer to play games on, so he could clear his mind with that for five minutes.  
Well, if Terezi wasn't there.

Terezi instantly noticed Karkat when she walked past, she knew he enjoyed going to the store and gaming, she she tapped him on the shoulder and giggled.   
'Kaaaaaarkat gaming?' She said while giggling.  
'OHSHITTEREZI!' he yelled, scared.  
'Hehehehehehehehhe, come, stop gaming, let's go,' she finally said after finishing giggling.  
'Eh uh okay where why,' he mumbled.

The two walked over to an ice cream place and had something, Karkat felt disgusted, but anything to avoid being found out.  
Because she wouldn't do shit about it.  
She'd just put him in a mental hospital and never see him again, right?  
Stupid.  
'I'm out Terezi, bye!' He finally said after a long conversation.

Terezi decided that Karkat was fine, and that she shouldn't worry. So, she didn't.

Karkat knew that Terezi didn't care, or Rose, or Kankri.   
He knew that nobody would care if he never came back.  
There was a hardware store nearby.  
And that's where he would go.

When he was there he held a $10 bill, hopefully enough.  
He went to the rope section, and got as much as $10 could buy, but it wasn't much.  
He planned on it the next day, Kankri would be at church.  
When he took the walk home he was crying, heavily. He was sick of putting up with it all.  
So he went home, ran a bath and... Cut himself with the same blade, careful not to over-do it. He couldn't afford it, and when he left, he bandaged himself.

He set up the rope the night before, he was serious.

The next day he woke up, yet again feeling disgusted with himself after looking in the mirror.  
He was about to go into his closet and end his pain.  
Until his phone rang.  
It was Terezi.  
That fucker, her, now, of ALL THE TIMES?!  
He ignored. And continued, shaking out of fear and crying.

That worried Terezi, was Karkat in danger?  
It was five minutes to his house, and she ran.  
When she got there, she knew where he hid the spare key, grabbed it, unlocked the door and ran to Karkat.  
He was sitting down in his closet, loudly crying, with a broken rope around his small neck, and a blade next to him.  
Terezi stood there in shock.  
She grabbed Karkat and put him on his bed, getting him to calm down.  
'K-karkat?!' she was crying too.  
'Karkat I-' she stopped. 

Karkat had fallen asleep, from the anxiety and fear.He was shaking.  
His failed suicide, and Terezi had to come in.  
He didn't want or need help. He thought he was fine. And that nothing bad could happen.   
Oh how wrong he was.

He needed help.  
But he didn't reach out.. .And now it lead to this? What a mess. How could he be so careless. What he has done to Terezi. It was too much to process.  
He didn't deserve to live, or so he thought.

Terezi has many thoughts running through her head, he noticed blood coming from his stomach area, still frozen in fear, shegot a tissue from a nearby table and applied it.

Karkat had some explaining to do.  
A very long next few days.  
Having to deal with that too.

 

His life was not going to be worth living, no matter how many attempts he has on trying to fix it... All because Terezi--Cared?  
It made no sense in his mind, and Karkat was quite confused.

He awake to Terezi snuggling with him, still stroking his dark hair.

'H-huh?' He managed to say.

He realized that he'd have to explain everything.


	3. Perhaps There Is Light At The End Of The Tunnel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat receives help. Help that he had needed for a very long time.   
> But is it really that helpful?

Karkat Vantas, the seemingly average 15 year-old male was sitting in his closet, accompanied by his best friend, Terezi Pyrope.   
Why would he be sitting in his closet?  
He had attempted to kill himself.  
But Terezi had been there. Terezi saved Karkat from doing any more harm to himself. 

Karkat was crying.  
He broke down mentally.  
In Terezi's soothing arms.  
He kept on whispering 'Stop, go, I deserve this,'  
But Terezi kept on insisting that she stayed.

'K-Karkat, I. I care about you, you, you didn't have to do this, people care about you,' Terezi said, crying too.  
'N. No, I did. Imagine how fffucking BRILLIANT the w-world would b-be without me,'  
'No, no please, Karkat, that's not it, I'm going to help you. F-f ix you,'  
'Impossible,' whispered Karkat though a thick layer of tears.

~Two hours later~

Karkat had calmed down enough to talk to Terezi properly.   
Terezi was still by his side. Terezi was CARING for Karkat. Like a best friend should.  
'I promise to fix you, to make you better,' Terezi said to Karkat, who had stopped crying.  
'You can't,' Karkat said after a paunfully long empty void of silence. 'I'm like a vase, I'm broken, into thousands of pieces. Image the vase belonged to somebody you cared about. You would wish to repair it right? But you can't. No matter how much you may wish to, it cannot be done. Then you replace the vase with another one, like you'll replace me,'  
That was enough to bring Karkat to tears again.  
Through his crying a small 'Stupid, worthless, fuckwit, idiot' could be heard over and over again.  
Terezi hugged Karkat tighter. 'I promise it'll get better,' she promised. 'I know you don't believe me, but it will, it may take a long time, but I promise that it will,'

After another hour and a half, Terezi had to leave, reluctantly, but she still left.   
Karkat hadn't discussed many topics with Terezi.   
But he had promised that we wouldn't cut.  
Or kill himself.  
But he had promised to tell Kankri.  
He had returned from Church two hours before.   
But Karkat was in no way going to tell him about the self harm, the eating disorder of the anxiety.

Karkat summoned the courage to walk to Kankri's room.  
He knocked three times, rather quickly.  
Tears stung his eyes again.   
Kankri opened the door. With a smiling face.  
'Ahh, yes, Karkat, what is bothering you currently? You rarely enter my room,'  
By that time, Karkat was full on crying.  
He wasn't sure a human being could cry that much.  
Kankri also had noticed that.   
'KARKAT!' he said loudly, bringing him into a warm hug.  
Karkat hugged him back. 'Kankri,' Karkat sniffled 'Kankri, I am NOT okay. I wish to talk. Terezi was here earlier. I. I I tried to,'  
He stopped this was too hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the wait. The wait occurred for two reasons. One: Because I was too depressed or busy to write and Two: When I did write, it was in a word folder. I have yet to publish the other chapters.
> 
> This story contains themes of self injury, anorexia, anxiety disorders, suicide and depression. Please read at your own risk.  
> My apologies about the short chapter.


End file.
